Sunday, 10 May 2009

What price to sell your Soul?

What price to sell your soul? Perhaps a pound of flesh for a pound of flesh or the undetectable loss of 21 grams? You shake hands with the devil, you have to be prepared to pay a price.

I always preach being true to yourself. Never sacrificing what you believe in and treating others how you wish to be treated. I've been trying to be a good person. How hard does that sound? Sounds like the easiest thing in the world right? Well, as I mentioned right back at the start of this journey; dying is the easy part, living is the hard part. Being true to yourself and others? Hard to say the least....

I've lived a selfish life. I've seen and experienced things that live in darkness. I purposefully chose to walk in the shadows of life for a while; to toughen myself up and lose some of the naivety and innocence that seemed ingrained within me. It was a conscious choice and ironically, sometimes, I wish I could go back 10 years and reverse that decision. It's my belief I sold my soul, to trade one lifestyle, that I felt wasn't rewarding or desirable, for another that on the surface had all the aspects I could dream of.

The thing is, there's certain lifestyles you lead that have consequences. There is only so many things you can get away with before someone decides to collect. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not advocating being boring and I know how to live. But there is a line. I spent most of my time on the other side of that line. For me, it is all or nothing. Whatever you think you've done that's crazy, multiply it. I never boast, brag or show an ego, but I can assure you that whatever you've done in life, it is kids stuff to me.

So, I felt I needed to seek imrprovement. I accepted breaking my leg. The way it happened, the severity of the break and the length of recovery time. All with fairly good grace - though I've had my moments! I figured it was my time to pay. Dismiss it as rubbish if you wish, but karma exists. I was happy, willing and it was the right time to pay my pound of flesh. The time off allowed me to reflect on things and improve myself. As you may have read throughout this journey, I truly believed I had changed for the better and improved myself for my benefit and others around me.

Turns out that isn't true.

A leopard cannot change his spots that soon. Maybe deep down, there is part of me that truly is the boy I was 10 years past. Or maybe, I'm kidding myself and should just embrace who I am now? Maybe my quest for high-standards, over-thinking and perfection means I'm always doomed to fail. Whatever is true, I do know this. I've not served penance for the past and recent events have condemned me even further. I just wish I had the words or actions to show how sorry I am for the choices I have made and the people who have been hurt. Rather than blaming others, I should seek to put right those things within my control.

I know only 2 people in life to have never 'sold their soul' so to speak. The Captain and Sampras. Maybe, looking up to them, I'm just setting myself unrealistic targets to achieve?

But should we not at least try to achieve that which is out-of-reach? Last week one of my idols, Ricky Hatton, lost his 2nd bid for the title of greatest boxer in the world. Is he a disgrace for falling short of his target? No. But he at least had the balls to try.

I've gone from thinking I had it all figured out, to not having a clue. Jeez, does anyone or are they all just pretending?

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